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This is how you know if he is the right one.

I've been living with my partner for nearly eight years. Ever since he moved in, he's had a drink problem, which had a massively negative impact of my life and children. He's not a bad guy, and we have had some good times, but always with the drink lurking ready to create a toxic shitshow.

A month ago he stopped. He'd been drinking every day for years but he seems to have seen the light. He's hugely remorseful, recognises what he's done, cries a lot, screams, very emotional stuff, and is desperate for me not to make him leave so we can try again.He insists that this time it will be different, this time he will be kind and loving, this time it will be like when we met.  He loves me more than anything, etc etc. Yeah well if this was true why did you hit me, spit at me, push me, upset me, argue with me and do lots of other stuff that people who love me don't do to me?

Thing is, his newfound sobriety arrived at the exact moment he realised I really was going to boot him to the kerb this time. Does he mean it or is he telling me what I want to hear to trick me into staying?

I feel torn. Life feels a million times easier without 70+ units a week being drunk in my home, he looks and feels like the man I fell in love with all those years ago again and my heart breaks for him. But I betrayed myself and my children by letting him stay way beyond what was acceptable and I know I can't take the tiniest risk of leading us back towards the shark's mouth of life with a drinker. My father was a heavy drinker - many years of it - I used to be expected (as a child) to be there with him to clean up his sick, get him to bed and help him. What a way to bring a child up. If social services had known eh, I think I would have been better off with foster parents.

I don't know how much sense this makes, sorry. I guess what I'm asking is... which will I regret, giving him (and us) another chance or sticking to my "game over" line. Wisdom and perspective honestly very welcome.

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Think we can safely say this guy is NOT the right one. Maybe he was for a bit, maybe the right one does not always last forever. Maybe he was Mr Right one for now till someone better comes along, but I doubt that too as the right one would have been nicer and treated you better, not do what he wants at any cost to you and then expect you to tolerate whatever he dishes out to you.

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Personally I would never let a guy (or woman) move in if they were a heavy drinker, or on drugs or smoking a lot of any of that rubbish. No matter how much I like being with him or what promises he makes and I would see it as a huge red flag he thinks it is ok to do it and to inflict it on me.

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I'd rather be single than be with such a guy who is a drinker all the time, that is the truth. Maybe your children would rather you were single too, you need to think of what is best for them and teach them good values, not push them to make do with such a mediocre life because you are willing to settle.

Perhaps a peaceful life is better now? For all of you. Don't worry about him. He will con some other woman into putting up with him. I expect that means paying the bills, sex, all sorts, which is what he wants from a human, but the bottle comes first every time.  Stopping drinking for a bit does not prove much and it gets harder as time goes on.  Eventually they go back on it, always with an excuse like they were upset or worried and they could not help it, it is always about them, never about you, you are just the collateral damage and victim that goes with it.

To be honest it is hard to feel sorry for you. You knew what he was like when he moved in. Why on earth did you let him? Please don't say that he was wonderful in other ways. There are plenty of men who are great and don't have such a huge deal breaker of a flaw.

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I thought I was forgiving and soft at times. I've let men sponge money off of me, and all sorts, but a guy who drinks a lot every day? No. I would be making sure he is history, especial important too when kids about, you owe it to kids to make sure they don't come across or reside with undesirable low lives and losers. By letting one move in you teach them that anything will do, they get to think it is normal to let a low life live with them too. Their mental health and happiness matters, you do not throw it to the wind and risk it because you fancy sex with some guy. If he loved you and the kids he would have said about getting therapy and drying out first before he moved in, so he does not care anywhere near as much as he says he does. This sort of thing makes me very angry, a mother has an obligation to her children, a deep one, it's important, it is not a hobby or something you can pick up and put down as it suits you.

I've forgiven men things which at the time I thought I was daft to - maybe the most silly one was the married man who kept promising to leave his wife, blah, blah, the usual crap, but I did not endanger my finances or life or that of others.

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Hi there. Good topic to join. Perhaps you need to ask if he is the wrong one.  Or one of the many of the wrong ones. That may be better than asking if he is the right one. Perhaps there are lots of right ones and you could meet one of them today, and he might be just as right or more right than the guy you are with, think of it like this. You have a chair you sit on and it's comfy and you like it and get used to it. But someone might bring over a new chair for you which is a bit less lumpy or softer or bigger or more the right height and this in itself might make the new chair better than the current chair.  But after changing from the old one to the new one another chair comes along and this one is even better because it has all of the qualities of this chair but it is also a  nicer colour and has better fabric? People can be like this. Sometimes I meet someone and there is something about them I hate. Something about them which does not gel with me - maybe one of my deal breakers.  But there are other people I meet who have something good about them I pick up or sense straight away. Every single person on the planet has some good and some bad at least, some have a lot more good or bad than others. You need to weigh up what those things are and how they affect you and whether you are okay with that.

I loved it when I saw a programme on television which weighed this up. A small town had an empty house. They advertised it for sale. Loads of people wanted to move into this quiet and beautiful town. The people who lived there wanted to make sure the town stayed quiet and beautiful. They interviewed the people who wanted to move into the empty house and checked them out. They chose a carpenter because he was working full time, not lazy, no debts, normal, no prison record, no addictions, friendly, and would add to the town. Everything about him that would affect them was positive.  He moved in and all were happy.  Now that same carpenter might be an awful husband. He might be a man who is moody or makes bad decisions,  but none of that would bother these people as it would not affect them.  Yet they were far more fussy about who could live in that house in their tiny town than many women who are choosing a husband are.

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there is lots of people out there  you can be  with, why worry about which one t is. if you go with one it never last yu get bored  and cheat or they do, just enjoy it while it lasts

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Too much thinking,, forget ten years from now, even next week could be horrible with whoever. Good ones are never single and married ones not worth the pain

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You toss a coin? It may be as good a way as any. You could sleep on it, talk about it, make a list of pros and cons, and it can all shift and change in a short while.  You can like and trust someone until something happens with them, and where does that leave you? At least if you toss a coin you did not put such a lot of energy and time into deciding.

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It don't matter. Whoever you with make the most of it and enjoy what is going on. Only worry when it gets boring or they abuse you. That is the way to go ladies.

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Even if he is the right one that does not guarantee it will last or you will always be happy together. I've known of a lot of couples who start off all happy and rosey, eager to be together all the time, finding no fault in each other, end up arguing and having big problems later. Life takes it's toll on people and their relationships, people change their mind and all sorts.

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I would not ask a bunch of strangers something this important. Anyway you need to go to a reputable psychic and tarot card reader for something as important as this. Imagine if you listened to just anyone and you took notice of what they said? You could end up with years of misery or regret.

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I don't think you can ever know if its the right one all you can do is look at how you feel about the person and go with that, but it is very unlikely the right person if he is a heavy drinker or uses street drugs.

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You will never ever know such a thing for sure, where it is 100%. You can change your mind, so can they. I had a friend who was always pestering her boyfriend to prove he loved her. He got so sick of being pestered to keep proving himself he changed how he felt towards her. He got bored with it all, said it was frustrating and intimidating to keep on at him like that, found it was offensive to suggest that he had to prove himself, because she was not proving a thing to him but according to her he had to prove himself still.  He asked her to stop going on like this and he said to her that it made him go cold towards her but she would not listen, he asked her lots of times, eventually he started to see her less, he stopped planning moving in together, he stopped talking about a future together, she did not pick up any of these signs that he had lost interest other than still making a big fuss if he did not continually tell her how much he loved her! Sometimes she would tell him how much she loved him and it was clear to him this was only done so he would say it back, always monitoring if he said enough and often enough, as if he was always on trial. She ended up losing him altogether, it took about a year. You see if you change how you are towards someone they change how they react.

I am not looking for clients to pay me for my advice so please do not ask me to help with anything professionally. I just come here for fun now and then, to relax, to feel bright and joyful, nothing more, got a good job already thanks very much. But if you are struggling with a big thing you should pay a professional, some of the amateurs who post here are quite frankly stinky.

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Nobody knows if the person is right. I met a guy years ago, he seemed totally write, it was exciting, lustful, lots of laughter and talking, wonderful. Then I found out he was married, he promised to sort out things so he could leave and be with me.  He always needed more time and had excuses for it taking longer, but the passion and laughter continued.  I was quite happy being alone and living on my own but I did not like sharing him or not seeing him for holidays and Christmas etc. Eventually I found out all sorts of things about him where he had lied to me big time, he even started asking me for money, big amounts. We had a terrible row and then another one, it was awful and so stressful, it broke my heart... an online agony aunt.